25 ridiculous titles of SXSW events that I’ll probably attend

I’m going to SXSW this year, just in time for everyone to agree (or disagree?) that SXSW is kind of over, but I’m still super excited about it so back off.

One of the ways the sprawling film/music/interactive(??) festival helps you plan your week is an online event tracker. It’s easy to lose hours on end playing around inside this thing, and like a black hole of absurdity you become numb to some of the more bonkers-sounding panels. Unless you’re me, and you list them on your blog.

Here they are, with the caveat that I’ll probably be attending them all:

Combating Online Hate with Compassion – Good luck with that.

Special Announcement from Capital One – “We’re proud to announce… You’ve reached your credit limit.”

Everybody Dies: What Is Your Digital Legacy? – (Don’t say porn, don’t say porn, don’t say porn…)

A Conversation With Jake Gyllenhaal – Guys, hear him out.

Book Signing: Abbi Jacobson – Yasssss kween. Now can I meet Ilana?


Arabs Be Like: The Modern Middle East – Submitted without comment.

Digital Identities: Modern Underground Currencies – Mole people need to pay for things too.

molefolk

Lifehacks for Dads Who Do Fifty Percent: A Meet Up – I’m there. Although my wife might take issue with the “fifty percent.”

One Robot Doesn’t Fit All – Just ask John Connor.

Agile as a Company Culture Change Agent – Subject verb agreement as a mass taco bleeding and other words.

How Crowdfunding Can Screw Your Distribution Plan – It involves Rohypnol.

A Human and Robot Play a Drawing Game – Spoiler alert: it ends in murder.

Making Epic Sh*t – Stop with that, come on…

A Personal Shopping Experience (Minus the Person) – Or, Amazon.

Everything You Think About A/B Testing Is Wrong – Well damn. I don’t think anything about it. So does that mean nothing is wrong? *head explodes*

If You Are in Advertising, You May Be a Racist – I mean, sure, but you can say that about almost every awful profession.

LOEV – LOEV Love.

Your Future Life with Robots: Explained – Spoiler alert: you get murdered.

BRITAIN-DEFENCE-MILITARY-PROTEST

Fuck No. Shit Yeah! Damn Right? – Stop yelling at me.

How To Stop Speaking in Bullshit – Pot, meet kettle.

What the F*ck Is Music Supervision? – I don’t know! Stop cursing at me and tell me already!

Your Life, Let’s Design Think That – This Title, Sense Make Doesn’t It

An Honest Conversation with Yik Yak – “Yik?” “Uh… So, Yak? Sorry.”

CANCELED: How to Grow Ideas – Oh, well, guess we’re all fucked.

Let’s Drop the Term Millennials – THANK you.

I can’t wait! Super psyched, guys. It might be hyper corporate, and maybe a little cynical, and sure lots of this programming sounds like it’s straight out of a focus group, but I’m still lucky to work at a place that foots the bill for the trip.

I just hope no one ruins my week by calling it “south-by.” Come on, how much more effort does it take to say “southwest?”

UPDATE

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